Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Life so far...

Have not been blogging for a long time liao...

In summary of the posts that shuda been up, i have been rather emo the whole time...tom i start school after about 3 weeks of holidays. In a way its rather sad cuz i have to wake up early...but also good cuz i wont be dead bored sitting in front of the computer.

Back a year ago life was so different. I probably didn't have any goals but oh well..it was nice..i was happy no matter wat. Life seems so different now. Im troubled, depressed and easily angered. There isn't much to look forward too anymore. When depressed, i tend to think alot of negative thoughts like what would happen if i got into and accident...if my life got taken away?? would i have finished my purpose on earth?? well right now...i have nothing holding me back so i guess i might just leave with no regrets. But yeah...i only thought of all those shit. Im not that stupid kills himself. That's why i mentioned accident.

Back then, when i was sad i w0uld think of her and that made me happy. And then i lost her. Went thru a hell lot of emo time. I was seriously depressed thought more off accidents and injuries. But then i tot.. cannot got injured...got captain ball then i went "hey!! at least there is something else leading me on..". It was captain ball. So i trained hard. I did my best. My own training. I was kinda satisfied. Not happy as i was still emo-ing about her...but it would manage..It was something to look froward too.

My sis came back and so did my niece n bro in law..the enviroment was so "family"!!! and then i decided to go sing with em for a short holiday. I was enjoying myself when i got a call from a sticky. I had a feeling it aint good and sthing about captain ball.. and so this bothering feeling annoyed me throughout the trip.

When i came home, true enuff i found out that i wasn't good enuff for the team. I was very depressed. The game i loved the most. The only game i was good at was taken away from me.
I knew i wasn't that good but i still tot i was good enuff for the team. But there was nothing icud do la. If i wasn't good enuff then so be it. I wudn wanna make a big fuss and force them to pull ppl from the team and risk of getting blamed if we lost. Though not being in the team i still wanted the team to win. I continued to support em and all. The team did their best tho. We could have won if not for the long break.

Back to my state..I was very depressed. I snapped at everything from then on. I kinda hope..lost everything. Things didn't help when i heard that my bro was going to US to work. Soon he left, my sis left and i was all alone. Being alone sucks.. it just does.

Now here i am..finishing my last sem of diploma..contemplating on whether to further studies in US or UK. I dunno..if life is good there i might just work there. There isn't much in malaysia anyways. Plus the managers of the country are biased. Anyhoos...i feel as tho i have changed alot. Im no longer that happy go lucky guy. Even if u see me acting all ok, im just earing a mask... a hot one with a face of a leng zhai... oh well...at least my lameness and childishness stays...


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